Becoming the Alchemist
(Continued)
By living in a constant state of anxiety and underlying fear, in effect, I was calling into my life all that I was afraid of to show up in physical form. I had no idea these patterns I desperately didn’t want to re-live, kept repeating because I was attracting them. This was one of many life changing, belief shifting, paradigm changers I experienced during my own awakening, my remembering who I am.
I thought I had done the work, healed my traumas and was “totally okay.” I did all “the spiritual things” one would do to “be spiritual” and to heal, yet, I had not healed. Despite being deeply embedded in the spiritual community, practicing, and learning from a plethora of well-known leaders/healers all over the globe for over 10 years, I was still able to avoid this deeper part of myself that was begging to be seen and heard. By all definitions of our modern society, I showed no indicators of the pain I held deep within me. My outer circumstances showed a happy, successful person that had no reason to “feel bad.” Yet, I did. Although I had “made it” through these traumatic circumstances and “dealt” with them from an intellectual, therapeutic standpoint (meaning in my head and not my heart) I hadn’t let ANYTHING go energetically. Something was always lurking in the shadows. I knew it, in the deepest, truest part of my soul.
This pile up of stuck energy from a life’s worth of traumatic stories finally came barreling into my life and this time it was going to be seen and heard. When spirit is trying to get our attention, and we have done a good job of not letting it, this can manifest into physical form to finally gain our attention. That familiar knock on the door of my spirit came to call once again…. that knock brought with it a story I knew all too well. I again lost everything I had. My career, relationship(s), home, all gone. I was devastated, confused and angry.
In my brokenness, I found a silence within me that began to form some questions instead of pity for myself. I started asking myself questions like, “why is this happening again?”
This time, I did something different. I made a conscious decision to delve into this bottomless void of the unknown to understand the WHY. I figured I would give it everything I had left because what did I have to lose? I felt I had just lost everything that was me.
Open Road
The open road has always been my greatest counselor; it’s just you and the road and LOTS of time to think. There is beauty, magic, and wander in discovering new places and chasing the sunset out west. Having lived from Florida to California, and several places in between, traveling was second nature to me. Since I had no home, the choice to "just drive" seemed like my best and only plan. I packed everything I could fit into my car and set out to the Southwest United States from Pennsylvania. While I had had my fair share of driving across the country to re-start a “new life” this time was different. I had no plan, no destination, only a call to go to the desert.
SW United States
The SW United States desert is home to several sacred sites that seemed to be beckoning me, showing up in very synchronistic ways. The desert, aka my "personal wilderness journey" was where I went full throttle into the depths of my soul. For 6 months I roamed this wilderness, literally and figuratively. I visited every sacred site I had been called to; from The Hopi Indian Mesa’s, numerous vortices and energetic grid points, The Garden of the Gods,
The Painted Desert petroglyphs, and El Sanctuario de Chimayo, where I bathed in holy dirt, among numerous other hot spots.
I Let Go
I had no plans besides connecting to myself, the God spark within me, and the Source of all that IS, to answer my yearning question -
Why did this have to happen again? What now? Who am I??
These questions repeated countless time echoing through every fiber of my being. After what felt like an eternity, filled with tears, fears, anxieties surfacing, old and new, and
one really, REALLY bad day, I finally collapsed in defeat. I LET GO. In a moment, I stopped trying to be okay and succumbed to this overwhelming darkness I was feeling. I closed my
eyes filled with tears and exhaustion and let go even further. This freefall took me inward to this quiet place that I was not creating or in control of.
This is when IT happened…. This is the moment my life changed forever. In a moment of despair, I let go of trying to control my own healing, feelings, or ANYTHING at ALL. In that surrender, the whole universe rushed in.
Everything I thought I knew about anything, including myself, no longer mattered. I was being released from my old ways of being and becoming this new thing, that was a part of ALL things. I felt peace, wander and more than anything, this presence that was so loving and that I knew was always guiding me. It always had been. I connected with my own heart, my own spirit. I became aware of spiritual gifts I held in the blink of an eye. I could see instantaneously see and sense energy fields, beings in different dimensions, light waves, vibrations, and frequencies. The stars and planets in the night sky looked like it was in 5-D, or like a pop-up book. In this flash of a moment, I connected with what I can only describe as a completely different perception of my inner and outer worlds. My senses were heightened, especially my vision, which I later learned was a type of cosmic consciousness clairvoyance.
In letting go, or “giving up” I had allowed this LOVE that has always been holding me to take over completely. This life altering 6 mo. journey into "my wilderness"
(also referred to as the dark night of the soul) shifted my life so completely it’s hard to remember the things that used to consume me with worry, panic and often, fear. I had found the love, the home,
that I had always been searching for, except it didn't have an address, a mortgage, or a front door. It had always been tucked right inside of me, in the quiet most place of my being, and it wasn't going
anywhere. It could never be lost or taken from me because it was me. No matter where I go, or what happens, I always have a home within my own heart and soul. Everyone's need is different, but for me
this 1 thing I understood so deeply that it calmed every fear, anxiety, or manifestation of lack, that I could ever have or had had within me.
This was the beginning of my remembering of who I am, who we all are, and what we are here for.
I had to remember who I was, what I am capable of, and the power that I hold within me. Through this knowledge I began to see what all I could do with this precious life. The limits that I had felt dissolved
along with the old stories I told myself. I began to truly LIVE and CREATE my life and stop waiting for it to happen. I found all the support, guidance, and reassurance I had ever needed in this quiet, overflowing,
abundance of love that I held right inside of me. The same place we all hold within us, the spark that connects us to one another, and to Source, to the cosmos, to love, real love.
The place where all searching ends and being simply is.
It became very clear, as I continuously received very direct messages from spirit, that I was being called to be a vessel for spirit to teach through. After I returned from the desert,
I spent months living in a Yurt in a very remote section of the mountains in northern PA. While there, my “training” shifted to absorbing endless streams of information that I had to process, understand, and then integrate
into life in a way it could be taught to others. These streams of thought I was receiving from spirit would later become what Heart Alchemy is today.
The call was to help others like me that need to hear these messages and most importantly, feel held and supported, and never ever feel alone on this life changing process of remembering who we are.
To know you are NOT going crazy despite sometimes feeling this way, and even if your whole life is seemingly falling apart, there is something so much better just after dawn. It truly is the darkest before the dawn.
You are far more than you have ever imagined. Your greatest life can still happen, no matter what you believe to be true or have experienced so far. That's the most amazing truth about returning to yourself, you never leave you.
Your heart, your spirit, is always lovingly waiting for you to Remember Who You Are <3
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I look forward to working with you!
HOW IT WORKS?
I am an integrative coach, which means I use a combination of healing modalities to achieve results. This can vary from ancient spiritual practices to scientifically proven methods used in modern society. I have found this combination of both science and spirituality to be the most practical way to live a spiritual path in the modern world. You need not know anything about this process other than the call you have felt to be here. I will meet you where you are – because I too have been there. It is from this authentic place, from this natural resonance between the client and the teacher, that the “magic” of healing occurs.Although, I have been working with clients for over 10 years, I officially received my Integrative Nutrition Health Coach certification in 2018 from IIN. IIN is the world’s largest and most respected nutrition and health coaching school and is recognized by the National Board-Certified Health & Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC) IIN has leaded the health coaching paradigm shift for over three decades. IIN’s curriculum boasts more than 85 visiting teachers, ranging from Deepak Chopra, Dr. Oz to Gabby Bernstein, all who are experts and thought leaders in the fields of health and wellness. Intergrative Institute Of Nutrition